maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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