For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
