this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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