Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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