dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
