My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
We need a shit load of segways right now
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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