Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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