My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize