I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
