I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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