My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I need water and some morals
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
