Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
