By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Randomize
