if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Randomize
