Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
