worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
