I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
