I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
