i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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