So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
