his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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