I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
