The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
