from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
