You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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