Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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