I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
