We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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