I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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