Who did Billy Mays play for?
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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