I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
