my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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