I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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