Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I didn't notice because vodka
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
