I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
