he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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