fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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