yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
