If that was your dad, he is hot
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
