hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
