farters have to be the big spoon...
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
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