hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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