I didn't shave. On purpose
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Randomize
