do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
