last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize