Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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