the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
