I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
