I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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