Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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