I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Randomize
