You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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