i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
