Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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