I want to walk on stilts...naked
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize