We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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