Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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