I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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