he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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