I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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