I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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