Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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