is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
